Just a small warning before reading, I talk about self harm in this post.
Christ it’s been over a year since my last post, it went by so freaking fast. I don’t know why I stopped posting, guess so much stuff was going on that I just forgot to.
Things have changed since my last post, some good and some bad. I guess I’ll start with the bad. My family are going through something that has been really stressful to say the least, I can’t go into any details because it really isn’t my place to share it with strangers on the internet. But I can say that it looks like some of it will be resolved soon, the rest will probably take a long time.
As for my mental health I had a setback towards then end of last year. Things got bad again and I had to go through some medication changes which took a while to take effect. I also had to start going to a CPN for help with self harm which I never expected to rear it’s ugly head again. I didn’t start doing it for the same reason as before which was for relief as well as being a form of punishment. This time it was due to the paranoid beliefs I sometimes get trapped in, the belief was and still is that by doing it I’m preventing something bad from happening which I know is crazy and ridiculous but when I haven’t done it I fully believe that it’s real. It’s only afterwards I come to my senses and think “What the fuck are you doing to yourself ?” but that only lasts until I wake up the next day, then it’s back to “I have to do it to stop something bad from happening.” I don’t know what put this in my head, it really seemed to come out of nowhere. My sessions with my CPN have been going well however and she is getting me into a DBT group that meets once a week and also comes with one on one sessions with a psychologist once a week. At first I didn’t want to do it because of my fear of strangers and groups of people but my mum convinced me to try it at least once, it’s not like the people in the group are going to be harsh or judging because they will be going through the same things, which puts me at ease a little. I just hope it happens soon before I talk myself out of it.
As for the paranoia and voices it’s been mixed. I do still have episodes of the voices but they are less frequent and don’t have as much power over me. The paranoia is a different matter, I keep having episodes were I will turn innocent unrelated events into something interconnected and threatening. For example, one day I walked my dog Bob (my dog) and three things happened; first I saw a guy sitting in his car that was parked in the bus terminus next to the field I walk Bob in, second I passed a guy walking in the field but he didn’t have a dog with him and third (the most innocent thing) on the way back home a neighbour was at their living room window and waved as I went past. When I got home my anxiety levels started rising and I began going over these three things in my head and I couldn’t stop. “Was that guy in the car there to watch me? why was that man walking in the field without a dog? why was my neighbor at her window, was she also watching me?” I kept thinking these over and over, trying to connect them and make a conspiracy out of them. Luckily that time I had a moment of clarity and realised what I was doing before it went full on “They’re all working together to do something to me.” It’s happened quite a few times this year but I always seem to manage to stop it before I go full on tin foil hat mode.
Something else that happened recently was that my dog Bob got really ill. One day we got up as usual and I gave him his breakfast, which he then threw up, sometimes that could happen if he eats it too quickly but he was sick again and again. By the time I got in touch with the vets he had been sick about ten times over the course of an hour. My mum gave us a lift in and the vets kept him for six hours to do some tests and get him fluids. It turned out that he had a really bad infection in his bladder which they thought was the cause of him being sick so the prescribed some antibiotics and we took him home. He had stopped being sick but wouldn’t stop crying because of the pain in his abdomen so I stayed up with him until the next day and took him back. Same thing happened as before and we picked him up a few hours later and they prescribed him painkillers. He managed to get a couple hours sleep but again was in a lot of pain, even with the painkillers. We took him in again and this time the vet wanted to get a look at what was going on so he was booked for a scan of his abdomen. We got the results of the scan the day after and it turned out he had several small kidney stones which weren’t causing any blockages but were still causing problems. Thankfully that day he was back to his normal mischievous self and wasn’t in pain anymore. We took him back in a week later for some more tests and a scan and there was good news and some pretty bad news. Good news is that the bacterial infection is gone as well as one of the kidney stones. The bad news is that his blood test shows that he has kidney disease. It honestly felt like a punch to the gut when I read the report, what it means is that he isn’t going to be around for as long as I thought, I don’t know if it means if he’ll live only a couple more years or quite a few because he’s in the very early stages and his vet said that they can’t make any predictions until it advances. I knew he probably wouldn’t live as long as our dog Tess did, she was 16 when she passed, because he’s a pure breed and a english bull dog but I thought he’d be around a lot longer. I’m trying not to think to pessimistically about it but the way my mind is right now I just can’t help it, so I’m mentally preparing myself for the worst case scenario though I doubt I’ll ever be prepared for that. But no matter what happens he’s going to get all the love and help he needs, it’s the least I can do for him because he’s my best friend and hell he saved my life.
But it hasn’t all been completely bad. I’ve been seeing more of my dad the past two months and we’ve been connecting a lot more. Up until a few months ago I never knew what to talk about with him because he doesn’t show his emotions as much as other people, so I could never gage what he was thinking about the conversation and I mistook that for disinterest. But my sister told me about a conversation she had with him about it and he essentially said that he’s always never really shown his emotions but it doesn’t mean he isn’t happy to talk to us or isn’t interested. After she told me that I finally understood and since then I’ve been way more confident in talking to him. I’ve also been seeing more of my sister, I’ve been going over to her and her partner’s place for dinner quite a lot and it’s always a laugh. I think these experiences with my family have been having an effect on my drive to get out and live my life. I find myself wanting to meet people and make some friends, I’m nowhere near close to actually doing it but I’m getting the drive to which is a step in the right direction.
Anyway that’s pretty much all the important things that have happened this year. I’m not going to make any strict schedules on when I’ll write new posts, it’ll probably just be when things happen and I want to vent.
If you’ve made it this far (I would totally understand if people haven’t, this is a long ass post) then just want to say cheers for reading!